Ex-band frontman and ex-commish. Collects helmets and waiver steals. Lives for Monday night sweats.

Chat mind-games savant. Backyard chicken GM. Schedules kids’ carpools between waiver claims.

Girl-dad of three and film grinder. Streams defenses with spooky accuracy. Calm when everyone else tilts.

Declares rebuild by Week 2. Talks himself into and out of trades hourly. Deadly when the projections disrespect him.

Lawyered four-peat. Bully-ball lineups, volume truth. Knows the rulebook and the loopholes.

Bye-week gymnast. Targets and route-rate guy. Quiet 120 every Sunday.

Boom-bust artiste. Files weekly grievances against kickers and backup RB's.

Variance enjoyer. Drafts vibes, stumbles into Ws. Refuses to roster a DEF until 12:59.

Folk hero. Trades like a tropical storm. Party bus energy, box-score luck not included.

Reigning champ. Claims the website adds +10 morale. Manifests late-game comeback wins.

Perennial trade champ. Turns bench depth into starter juice. Three offers before brunch.

Scheme whisperer. Waiver scraps into flex gold. Treats coach quotes like a dataset.